completion versus closure


This photo i found on the internet puts into words many of the feelings i've been going thru the past month or so. A path in the clearing, open but with a future unknown. The sky, dark and cloudy above, but clear and beautiful ahead.

My topic today, completion and closure.
In the past few months since my romantic relationship with Karen ended, i've looked internally and wanted to just improve myself. What was i doing with my life and was i happy living it? (no..i wasn't contemplating suicide, more so just not being a bum wasting my life away). Karen was and still is an important part of my life, but now i had to focus on what i wanted to do for myself, on my own.

The first few months were great. I made a list and systematically accomplished the things i wanted to. Motorcycle class, gun range, kayaking, etc. I felt good. In that time frame I even met someone new in the Philippines (dolly) who for what i thought was everything i would want. We shared the same values wanted the same things for the future. I was caught up in all the possibilities then had to stop myself. I tried to hold back in the beginning but finally reality just set in. It was never anything with Dolly, more over it was about where i was in life.

I needed completion. That same month I stressed for 4 days, looking to pick up my new car and was not able to do so. I called multiple dealers trying to broker the deal, but no avail. I had completed repainting four of the six kitchen chairs and was stuck since i could not remove the seat from the last one. My dreams of improving my home were shot down when the architect basically blew past my ideas and told me i could only add about 600 of my goaled 1600. My room was a mess, my car felt weak, and my weeds were getting overgrown again. Nothing was happening and nothing was getting done. I wasn't sure what i wanted or what to do anymore.

I needed less stress. All of the above listed and even the great chats I would have with Dolly started to stress as my realization that the dreams we were talking about may not happen. I found myself waiting again and seeking some sort of resolution or reality. As much as I may care about her, I've known from my own experiences that love alone does not make a relationship successful. I wasn't even sure where we were at because i was so caught up in the idea of "us" (something i was hoping that she wouldn't fall into as well). I just wanted to slow down, but she perceived it as a change of heart. She also could not get past the idea of Karen and I getting back together....

That is where the topic of closure comes up. I don't believe in a "closure" like most people understand it. When i love, i love completely. Just because we aren't "together" does not make me love someone any less or downplay the emotions and experiences we shared. I could use "completion" to the relationship we had, but i don't really feel any sense of closure or finality. I feel this way about my exes as well as other people in my life. I don't "lose" friends (even ones that i don't care for or hate me), i just lose touch with them. It leaves and open door for us to revisit it later.

So where am i now. I'm taking control of my life again and doing things, completing things.

a) bought some garden tools and setting myself up to clean up the yard in the evening.
b) recut new seats and getting more paint for the kitchen chairs.
c) scheduled to order new car as soon as the 2008s come in stock
d) picked up my new sewing machine and going to schedule class with Brenda
e) meeting with architect to review proposed changes
f) going to use this opportunity to fix the plumbing, electrical and install central air.
g) planning another Halloween party. It will be hard to surpass 2005, but i could sure use the party regardless.
h) Study for the Class M exam.
i) Just getting out more and living life

Through this all, I have to thank so many people that have been supportive and just listening to me through this stressful time. I can't thank enough the cruise crew (Rozelle, Kristine, Garland) as we've been getting out and just doing things without drama. TGI Mondays with Brenda and Alfred gave me the realization that my life does not need stress, i just needed to find ways to enjoy it more. Thanks to jerry, got my new cell phone up and running as well as being my support through much of my ramblings.

I see my path in life again. Its not defined, but is still my adventure to experience. Now to go on living it.



No one has the right to make you feel unhappy. If they do, I'll kill them
-Ilan (miss you sharmuta)