Thank you to everyone that responded to the previous post. Right now just trying to make it thru the week. Just feeling in a BLAH mood, plus I'm feeling a bit sick. Hopefully I will get better soon..to enjoy that turkey!!! Yum Yum. Also need to work on the layout of this page and put in an info page. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone.

This post is rather difficult to write...so I guess I'll just start writing and see what comes about. I'm scared. I look at that statement and I wonder again why I even write or blog..but I guess its the idea to let it out to someone and see if anyone else can feel me too.

It about death and family. Such a odd combination. First off, I look at the death thing. Shit...it happens. Death happens. Its the natural course of events. We try to avoid it...we try not to think about it....but eventually it happens. Sadly, it means a loss of those near and dear to us... sometimes we look at our own mortality. What do we mean to each other? What effect do we make in this world? One only need to watch "Its a wonderful life" to get an example of how we affect each other..cheesy...but a very valid example...I digress. Anywayz...death is only the introduction to the post... I had a dream (no..not like MLK)...this one was actually scary. Superstition says that if you lose your teeth in a dream..it foretells of impending death. Well this is the second one in about a 2 months. I don't particularly believe in superstition...but it shows you what state I'm in. In the first dream, I was losing my top row of teeth..molars especially. In the second..the lower half. I can look at it and say..Hey..it was actually making way for a new set (really..it was..in the dream..try to look for the positive)..but to try to rationalize dreams is another issue for another day.

Well..tonite...I was making some tea...to help embattle an impending cold. While I was downstairs, I was overlooking my aunt. Without going into family politics...lets just say this aunt has been know as the general..namely because of her take charge type of attitude and management of the family. Now my family is far from the Cleavers... we've got our own skeletons. Well..as far as I'm concerned...this aunt has quite a few....again... I digress. Anyway..lets just say that she is not very high on my favorite aunts list. But in the past few months while she has been living here...I've caught quite a glimpse of her that I never knew before. She's not the church going type...yet there were a couple of times I caught her in prayer...by her bed. I was moved. She had always been the breadwinner for the family..but now due to financial problems...finds herself doing jobs on the side to make some extra cash. Its a sad sight for me..and must be an even worse feeling for her. But there she was tonite...watching a worn-out video tape of people singing Filipino music. I think that must have been it...because otherwise...I may not have noticed. But those sad sounding melodies...well...they made me think. Then I became scared.

It was actually about this time last year that I lost my grandmother. Such a scary coincidence. I just found her remembrance card and saw it was actually November 15 last year. Well..the weekend before my grandmother passed away...she was actually at my house. I loved my grandmother a lot. She meant a lot to me. She was sleeping in the front room when I came home one night...and I saw her sleeping under the light.
I thought to myself....
she's so motionless...
its almost like she's not there...
not alive.

She was very old and frail...but never stopped working...but there she was. I thought to myself...I'll just kiss her one the cheek...but instead..I figure...I'll just head to bed (didn't want to wake her). When I woke up the next morning...she was already awake...and ironing clothes...and I was running late to work so I didn't even kiss her goodbye. That afternoon, She went off to my other aunts home and later passed on. I always regretted not telling her how I felt...and I didn't ever get to tell her how much she meant to me. Only in prayers now...only in prayers.

So tonite I found myself in the same position again. My aunt, the general, has not been in the greatest of healths. All of my family is getting up there in years..so its not unlikely for me to think what I am thinking. I stirring my tea and I felt that same sense of impending doom. So this time I decided to take a different path. I finished making the tea and just sat down next to her. I told her that I loved her. Like I said...she's not high on the favorite aunts list..actually thinking about it..most of them probably aren't. But she is family. Regardless of her actions...she is family. I can see some good intentions in her actions. I want her to be happy as much as I want everyone to be happy...but I was sitting there and thinking how much she meant to me. So many times in the past, she was the one we turned to all the time...a kiss on the cheek as a five year old..got us a chinese red envelop with $5. But we've all grown up now. We've seen a lot of the skeletons...and haven't approved. Yet through all of that...I still love her. She's family.

I guess when it comes down to it...its about living each moment. We look at recent tragedies of terrorism...or even more so the recent tragedies of broken families...and think...How much do we mean to each other? Sometimes its easier to believe that the world could be a better place without us...but thatz definitely a false statement. We all make an impact on each other. I'm glad I do that as a teacher...and I hope to do that in all my actions. So to everyone that I know...I thank you for how you have changed me...and hope that I have only been a positive influence on YOUR life. Take this time..especially in this holiday season to thank those around you...but not just now..but all the time. I end this with two of my favorite passages.

I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!

'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-Lord Alfred Tennyson, Ulysses

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas, Do not go gentle into that good night


ok..I feel a bit better now. Thank you all.

Saturday was a good day.
First off...I went to a service project. Its been a while since I've actually gone to a service project. Well..this one was at the Ronald McDonald House. The UCI group had arranged to go to the house and bake cookies for the residents. I wasn't all to sure if I wanted to go (since I have work that I still haven't completed)..but I went anyway. It was cool. First off..I was the human dough kneader and mixers. That 'ish is just killer on the wrists...but it really wasn't that bad. I was actually kinda bored with the simple dough kneading and baking so I decided to do a lil exploring at the home. That is where I met Desiree. I think she must have been about 10 or so. I really feel the need to connect to people...and baking cookies just wasn't enough. So I started talking to Desiree..but she was more interested in the cartoon she was watching (I seem to have this problem with most girls =p ). I decided to ask if she wanted to help out...so that peaked her interest and she decided to join us.
After I got her involved....she decided to bring in her step sister Rebecca. Later we got a number of the employees involved in decorating the cookies. Thats when it got to be even more fun. Well...if you know me...I can be fairly mature (debatable)....but if it were my choice...I'm more childlike (immature). So of course...I started a semi-food fight. I smeared a bit of frosting on Nancy, then Anita...then it just went around to everyone. Next thing I knew, I was running around the living room, avoiding getting iced by Linda and Anita. Even the employees turned on me throwing sprinkles at me. Oh man..too crazy... We cleaned up and took a tour of the building..that was about it. It was fun.

After the service project, I went out to a going away party for one of my coworkers. It is actually someone at CEI that I feel very close to. She was the person who hired me and was always my confidant at work. You always need those people...the ones that make the day go by faster. Her farewell party was at a place called Sing Sing. I was a little worried at first. I knew it was a interactive singing place...but I was told that if they catch you not singing...you become center-stage. The songs were dope...the pianos players were sooo funny. It was great. I had a good time...something I haven't had in a while. I'll miss ya Ramona =(

Oh man....its been a busy week.
First off...monday was supposed to be a day off. Well it was...but I still had to report to work if I was going to get paid. So I did. I was going to use that time to study...wrap up some stuff...you know...be productive. Instead I found myself sitting in a meeting most of the day. It was "ok"..but I could have found better use of my time.

Tues I had to cover for one of my coworkers...so I was at work from 7:30 to 10:30 at night. UGH!

Wed was UCLA -CHI chapter's 70th anniversary. It was GREAT. To see a bunch of old friends again...and see all the incoming pledges. These are the reasons why I still stay in APO. I didn't have to worry about APO drama (at least not at UCLA..Riverside is another story)...and instead I sat reminiscing with old friends. UCLA has always been my 2nd APO family..now even more so. After the event the founders and I (with some others) went to kick it at Toppers in Santa Monica. Its actually a bar at the top of the Marriott. Overlooking the city...it was dope. What a cool way to end the evening.

Thur was catch up on sleep nite.

Fri was Ms. APO. It has been an annual event at Riverside where the guys compete in a beauty pageant (UGLY pageant really). Well..it was cool cuz I was really just there to chill with my lil ones. Ms APO was fun...but it was a lot more fun when I actually knew who the contestants were. Enida took some pretty cool family pictures..so I'll see if I can post when she gets them uploaded.

Sat was memorable...actually it deserves its own post..

Friday was a wash. Some good news and some not so good news. Overall it was a good day. First...the bad news. So I called in for this telephone interview. I was psyching myself up about this company. A long standing financial company and according to my friend a really good place to work for. I was a bit hesitant because he told me they were very conservative, but I figured I'd try anyway. So I'm racing home after my coworkers going away party (sniff) and I brush up on the company history to make sure I knew something about them. Then I make the call. She's not in...but then again..I called 5 minutes too early. (hey..I was nervous). I left a message and waited again to call. About 8 minutes later, I call again. This time she's in. Great! I ask her how she was doing and hoped that she was feeling better (small talk..breaking the nervousness). She says she's fine and doing better. Then she proceeds to tell me that they liked the resume but they had already filled the position. I was like...ok. She thanked me for my interest and said they would keep my resume on file and would contact me if they found a match. I was like....ok...and said thank you. She then hung up.
So I'm sitting there...thinking...WTF? What just happened?
So I call her back...thanked her again...told her I was just a little taken aback since I thought I was going to have an interview. I then asked her to comment on my resume and basically ask why I wasn't chosen. Overall..it went well...and I did send a thank you card (very important)...but that was pretty much the bad news.
Now for the good news...actually two of them.
First off..it was my cousin Alfred's birthday. So I went out to dinner with family. I'm really happy for my cousin. Ever since he was a child, he always had the kindest heart. Even if he just got a new toy..he would give it up to make someone else happy. He's always been around here for me...saving me from boredom at home.and just overall kicking it. Of all my cousins, he's probably one of my closest friends.
Secondly, I got to talk to another close friend on Friday. I actually hadn't talked to her for quite sometime...but we were always close. She actually falls into a bigger category than friend..since she's the only other person besides christine that I've really sought a relationship with. Her name is vivian and I met her through APO in Davis. I'll spare the details for a different day on our whole friendship...but she was definately someone that I felt really close to. Over time as I got to know her, I just kept falling for her more and more. Besides being pretty (damn...and I know you may read this.)..she was definately a lot more than that. Our relationship was mostly based on our deep conversations over ICQ (e-relationship..humm). Well...my attempts at building a relationship just werent't mutual. We always had fun..and I still make her smile (sigh)..but distance was a problem for her. I still care deeply for her and just hearing her voice again made my heart leap. At the same time...I'm resigned to my role in the wings...as she is with someone else now. We're still friends..and I'm just happy for that. =). There's a lot more to this story...but I think I'll wait to tell it....keep you all in suspense.

Well...finally got sitemeter working....and now reblogger is not up. I guess we'll see whats up later.

The jobscene has been a bit quiet. Sadly, two people I confide in at work are leaving soon. Thats one thing about working, even if you have the worst job in the world...it all seems to be ok if you have someone there with you. Personally, I felt working at Fry's Electronics...I was under terrible conditions,..but honestly..my coworkers were great. I actually looked forward to work each day. Right now..things at my current job are just so irratic. I'm not sure what is going on..so I don't feel really stable. Even though I'm doing a good job and get high evaluations...my status is still questionable.
So..that one job with my mom's office is looking good again. I have a phone interview with a mortgage company on Fri and I got a positive reply from CSULA for a tech position I didn't know I applied for. I really need to get on the ball again and send out resumes..but I realize that it is getting closer to the holidays...so timing is just bad. Holidays and this economy...its not the best time to be looking around...but at least I still have a job.

Yippee...finally got the archives working..to some degree (thanks to my Bro). Also finally posted the Nov 1 post...ok.ok..I cheated..but still...it needed to be. There have been a lot of things going on since Nov 1.
Well...been busy doing APO stuff. The Nov 3 weekend was the Fall Fellowship at UCR. It was a lot of fun. My bro and sis drove down as well as some friends from Nor Cal. We first spent friday watching movies and hanging out at the Block. I watched debut again with my sis, then all of us watched Monsters Inc. (dope movie). The whole time I was watching, all I could think of was how much processing power it took to animate all the hairs on the blue monster (yeah..thatz a techie for you), but the little girl was sooo cute. Its a must see. Afterwards we went to hang out with the UCI group.
Fall Fellowship was SPECTACULAR. Being the advisor to UCR, I was well aware of a number of problems that the group was encountering..but overall the event went without a hitch (at least none that I saw). Everyone had a good time. I didn't realize that I still had that pride for my chapter. I had recently been suffering APO-burnout..but the events of that weekend helped re-light that fire. The same goes for my sister... I guess my lil one is growing up...and now she's just about freaky. I've been trying to post to her reblogger..but its not working. so here it is
sam - First the spank the monkey game and now this. Dang girl....did you put someone up against the wall? Tell me ..tell me. =p
but whatever makes you happy...(as long as its mostly legal).
Anyways..I had a lot of fun...with my chapter, my section, and guest...especially with the Davis crew. Shout outs to Christina, Alan, Lily, and everyone who came down. I'm glad you all had fun.

going to post something here...important for nov 1
-ok..so here it is...the reason why I needed to make sure when I posted this..its said Nov 1.-
I was thinking about this blog on my way to Riverside this night. I took a look at my phone and realized....shit! its November 1. Its my anniversary. Now many of you may be wondering..what anniversary? It is actually the date that I my first love and I actually got together. Realize now that I am very much single...but for those that have ever had a relationship..sometimes you wonder when did it all end....or even did it end. But that is neither here nor there. The important part of this story is that I started realizing something. I had been with Christine starting Nov 1 of 1993. We were together till Spring of 1997. Oh my god (I said to myself)..its been over 4 years since we broke up and I'm still thinking about it. Granted she has been my first and only love (so far...i hope).. its still very odd when you think about it. She and I are still good friends. She has been happily married for some time now..and yes I did go to the wedding. I am happy for her.
Some of you may be thinking...get over her Ray..you need to move on. I agree....don't think I haven't tried/done so. I guess..when you love with such a passion...even 4 years later...it still lingers. Sadly..I figure many of you can relate to that.
So right now...I've coming to terms with this "moving on". I'm a rather sensitive person when it comes to relationships. I don't open myself to very many people. Shit...the idea of this blog seems rather odd in that sense...but maybe this is that shout in the dark....yelling my feelings not to any-ONE, but to everyone..and not caring who is actually listening. There has been a couple attempts at relationships past Christine...one actually that I went all out for...but it wasn't mutual on her side. So...I try to keep a happy thought..and know that someone is out there...and eventually it will happen....
My only wish now is that it will happen sooner than later.