It about death and family. Such a odd combination. First off, I look at the death thing. Shit...it happens. Death happens. Its the natural course of events. We try to avoid it...we try not to think about it....but eventually it happens. Sadly, it means a loss of those near and dear to us... sometimes we look at our own mortality. What do we mean to each other? What effect do we make in this world? One only need to watch "Its a wonderful life" to get an example of how we affect each other..cheesy...but a very valid example...I digress. Anywayz...death is only the introduction to the post... I had a dream (no..not like MLK)...this one was actually scary. Superstition says that if you lose your teeth in a dream..it foretells of impending death. Well this is the second one in about a 2 months. I don't particularly believe in superstition...but it shows you what state I'm in. In the first dream, I was losing my top row of teeth..molars especially. In the second..the lower half. I can look at it and say..Hey..it was actually making way for a new set (really..it was..in the dream..try to look for the positive)..but to try to rationalize dreams is another issue for another day.
Well..tonite...I was making some tea...to help embattle an impending cold. While I was downstairs, I was overlooking my aunt. Without going into family politics...lets just say this aunt has been know as the general..namely because of her take charge type of attitude and management of the family. Now my family is far from the Cleavers... we've got our own skeletons. Well..as far as I'm concerned...this aunt has quite a few....again... I digress. Anyway..lets just say that she is not very high on my favorite aunts list. But in the past few months while she has been living here...I've caught quite a glimpse of her that I never knew before. She's not the church going type...yet there were a couple of times I caught her in prayer...by her bed. I was moved. She had always been the breadwinner for the family..but now due to financial problems...finds herself doing jobs on the side to make some extra cash. Its a sad sight for me..and must be an even worse feeling for her. But there she was tonite...watching a worn-out video tape of people singing Filipino music. I think that must have been it...because otherwise...I may not have noticed. But those sad sounding melodies...well...they made me think. Then I became scared.
It was actually about this time last year that I lost my grandmother. Such a scary coincidence. I just found her remembrance card and saw it was actually November 15 last year. Well..the weekend before my grandmother passed away...she was actually at my house. I loved my grandmother a lot. She meant a lot to me. She was sleeping in the front room when I came home one night...and I saw her sleeping under the light.
I thought to myself....
she's so motionless...
its almost like she's not there...
not alive.
She was very old and frail...but never stopped working...but there she was. I thought to myself...I'll just kiss her one the cheek...but instead..I figure...I'll just head to bed (didn't want to wake her). When I woke up the next morning...she was already awake...and ironing clothes...and I was running late to work so I didn't even kiss her goodbye. That afternoon, She went off to my other aunts home and later passed on. I always regretted not telling her how I felt...and I didn't ever get to tell her how much she meant to me. Only in prayers now...only in prayers.
So tonite I found myself in the same position again. My aunt, the general, has not been in the greatest of healths. All of my family is getting up there in years..so its not unlikely for me to think what I am thinking. I stirring my tea and I felt that same sense of impending doom. So this time I decided to take a different path. I finished making the tea and just sat down next to her. I told her that I loved her. Like I said...she's not high on the favorite aunts list..actually thinking about it..most of them probably aren't. But she is family. Regardless of her actions...she is family. I can see some good intentions in her actions. I want her to be happy as much as I want everyone to be happy...but I was sitting there and thinking how much she meant to me. So many times in the past, she was the one we turned to all the time...a kiss on the cheek as a five year old..got us a chinese red envelop with $5. But we've all grown up now. We've seen a lot of the skeletons...and haven't approved. Yet through all of that...I still love her. She's family.
I guess when it comes down to it...its about living each moment. We look at recent tragedies of terrorism...or even more so the recent tragedies of broken families...and think...How much do we mean to each other? Sometimes its easier to believe that the world could be a better place without us...but thatz definitely a false statement. We all make an impact on each other. I'm glad I do that as a teacher...and I hope to do that in all my actions. So to everyone that I know...I thank you for how you have changed me...and hope that I have only been a positive influence on YOUR life. Take this time..especially in this holiday season to thank those around you...but not just now..but all the time. I end this with two of my favorite passages.
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnished, not to shine in use!
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
-Lord Alfred Tennyson, Ulysses
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas, Do not go gentle into that good night
ok..I feel a bit better now. Thank you all.
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