Time....guess i've had some time to just stop and think lately. Lot of things I've wanted to say...and just really haven't. I think this post is gonna be a stream of conscious post..so not exactly sure where this will lead...but guess i'll begin.

First the basics. Yeah..still alive. Actually been busy at work...so I tell everyone that asks me how I'm doing. I've gotten my review..and it was good..and at the same time got more responsibilities covering the Austrailian and New Zealand offices. Cool accents mates. =). That plus getting a bunch of new people at the office...thats pretty much been most of my time.

I've reduced most of my obligations/ties/responsibilities. No longer APO sec chair...and since then have just been relaxing. Still have a couple of responsibilities (regionals advisor/Membership chair), but everything is managable. Anime Expo is done...for this year. Been doing a lot of stuff with members from there. Lately though...haven't had much motivation. Expo is a year away..and we just have time to kill. Nice thing though is hanging with some of my closer friends and doing the Pusoy and Sushi nites. That plus they showed me a cool korean place in Cypress. Ahhh...flavored soju.^_^

Doing more of the family stuff. Samantha's back...so that always makes me happy ^_^. Chiln with my cousin Alfred, building his computer. These two are probably the two family members that I feel closest too. Trying to reconnect to all my other family members too. Actually at my cousin's bday party right now...but sadly sitting in the other room on the computer.=/

so...where does that put me know...mostly time for myself. I'm still running around doing a lot of things, hanging with old college friends, finding something interesting to do, meeting new people. I once had a free weekend to do nothing...and almost went crazy. Sat and stared at the TV...so unproductive. Reconnecting..and also retreating. My life is a series of contradictions. Things I want to say...things i can't say...wondering...wondering...wondering...

I've come to think that what i most resemble is glue. weird huh?

i've always seen myself as easy go lucky...very low maintenance... I get along with pretty much anyone i meet...and actually enjoy meeting new people and making new friends. I know a lot people...and yet...there is something missing. Something i've been looking for. Think it ties into my desire for a girlfriend.

Yes ladies and gentlemen...ray is looking for a girlfriend. As if you didn't know it.

---Cont on Aug 27---Sorry...didn't post and the party ended =)

But back to the issue at hand...oh yes...glue. Why glue?

Well..i find myself as a member in a bunch of groups...but not sure...or unable to really call one my own. I see friends that remember each others birthdays, planning outing togethers, and other stuff...while I feel that I'm still a part of them..just one of the outer rings in those circles of friends. Yeah...and outer ring.

Drifting, floating, gravitating...sometimes as close as Mars is now...(see..i'm up with most current events)..other times as far away as the stars.

ok...back to the glue....so yeah...many different groups. And I find that I can bring many of them together...well...maybe because I only really hang out with mostly good people. Bad people bore me...and usually disgust me. I still "hang" out with them...but i just keep true to myself. Maybe it cuz i just believe in people...and optimism that things will get better. I've seen it happen. I just say that now cuz I wouldn't want you to judge me just by my friends...but also get to know me. Funny..not to many people really do. *Another topic for another day of introspection.

wow..so distracted....guess that happens....one thing leads to another..and yet again..i'm off....yet stream of conscious tends to get you talking about things..and some things that you really didn't want to talk about.

So..back to the glue. Like many of your glue varieties...tends to bring things together...and make them stick. Well..the thing about glue is once its done...you never see it anymore. Disappears. yea....disappears. Especially that crazy glue. =p (ha..mock attempts at humor...to well..hide...)

Its one thing that i've really learned...its the connecting part. I know at a moments notice...everyone/anyone that knows me...would drop most things if I ever called. Funny things is...if i didn't need you...i just don't seem to call. Its not cuz i don't care...i guess i just put myself at a lower importance in your lives. Goes back to the low self-esteem thing...(wow..can u believe that). Don't want to be a bother to anyone.

Actually...wondering why I'm even going a write that....or even eventually post this. I guess it can be seen as a cry for help. (Yeah..thats the psychologist in me talking)...but the thing with me is...i don't try to get anyone's help. Guess I'm just stubborn...try to handle things on my own....and for the most part...have been really good at it. And right now...i don't really think I need anyone's help. (so please...no one try to call me so I can wallow in self pity. Thats not definitely not what I'm looking for.) I think what it comes back to is the relationship question.

Its funny...I had it once before....a girlfriend that was totally dedicated to me. Many at times I felt a bit too much....but I think that is what I am missing (no not a devoted follower). That relationship person ...that can truly connect to me. That can honestly know me. The person that can complete my sentences...finish my thoughts...and in a glance....know exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling.

I guess thats whats killing me in this whole "searching/dating" process....cuz not sure what to do...when to do something...blah blah blah. I'm a romantic...and it will come naturally...when its with the right person. And in time...that person will appear...someone I may already know...someone I may not know at all.

The only thing that sucks right now...is being in love...but not knowing who it is with.






If you actually read this far...I thank you for your time. I figure this blog has gotten around...and still I don't really publicize it. This venue has always been a place to just say how I feel...but if you really knew me....It hardly is even that. There are only a few people that I have "officially" told about this site...and even less people that I truly say know I feel. My life has been an open book, but few actually take the time to read anymore. I just want to especially thank my sister...who has always been the one there for me. I love you Mantha.

OK..enough with the contemplation...just put on a happy face...and think of the positives....yea...positives...smiles.^_^