11:30 on a Saturday night. I should be out painting the town, partying with friends and drinking it up. Instead, where do I find myself?...sitting at home. Sad you think? Actually this was my choice. I had just come back from a surprise b-day party for my friend Jojo. Surrounded by friends from UCR and such...it was a cool to see everyone again. We actually had plans to go out to a club afterwards...but once I got in my car..I thought about it...and decided to just go home.

Maybe it was the idea about the club. Sure I like the music, but I guess I've always seen clubs as pick-up spots. I may be looking for a relationship..but I really doubt I'll find (at least a solid one) at a club. Plus the I didn't feel all to comfortable with all the people going. They are all nice..and I know them all...but I guess..I just wasn't feeling it tonite.

We've all grown up now. Everyone doing their own thing. Life consisting of work and sleep...with the occasional party on weekends. I looked around at dinner and saw 20 plus people...all there to celebrate Jojo's bday. I knew most of them from college and apo..but did I really know them? Many of them live together as roommates or frequently call each other for things. I felt as if I was more of a tag-a-long or fifth wheel. I find my life has consisted of quite a bit of friends. But for me..there are certain levels of friendships. I know quite a number of people...but most of them are only at the aquaintance level. There are only a few people that I can say I really confide in. Yet even with all these people..I can say I've never really found my core group of friends. People that I can call on at anytime..and receive/expect calls from. A group with which I can plan outings and stuff..and know that they'll be there everytime.

I guess growing up as a military brat and constantly changing schools...I never developed long term friendships. Sadly it must have conditioned me to do that even after my school transitions stabilized. I never worried about friends since I could always count on my family. So in school...I just did my work and went home. If I wanted to go to a movie, I would go with my cousins. I didn't interact with my classmates outside of school. I wanted to say this lasted till college...but I guess in all respects it still affects me now. I do have people I confide in and people I go out with. At least when I had a girlfriend..I had that one special person that was always there for me. Call me selfish..but yeah. I try to always be the helpful one...the one to support my friends in their time of need. And I guess right now ..I need the person who will be there just for me.