Reflections on this weekend...and laughing


This weekend had its fair share of lows and revelations...but i think i ended up finding myself in a good spot.


Lows
A couple things i realized about myself this weekend:
a) i don't like being lied to. I guess that even applies to my perception that i am being deceived. Personally...I say...Just be straight with me. If you want to do something...do it. Don't think ur clever and "hiding" it from me. Could i be wrong...maybe...but this is just how i feel.

b) i don't really need to beat my head into a wall for something. There is something that i would like...that i've made whatever effort i could to achieve...but its just not being reciprocated. I find myself getting hurt more...and am being a masochist about it...maybe a lil. Misunerstandings or not...i'm still feeling hurt over it. Maybe i think its because its worth it....but now i'm not gonna kill myself over it. I'm just going to live life as it is...and try to remove the negativity.

c) I guess i picked up some of my mom's stubbornness as well. Back in the days..even if we had a family party, graduations, and such...even though we all "knew" it was a family event...unless my mom got the invite..she didnt go. I totally accepted and understood how she felt. I mean..come on..its a family event....but no one wants to be somewhere if they aren't wanted. I also understand its hard to include everyone to.
Case in point was my friend Kristine's Wedding. We were close friends..from what i "believed"...but yet i didn't get invited to the wedding. I came up with all excuses for them...money...time...etc...just to help ease my mind from feeling left out. When i actually did go (as a guest of someone else)...i couldn't help but feel bitter and hurt...(that was for the first few hours)...but in the end...i was happy to be there for them. I would have even taken a "i wanted u to come...but i have a limited guest list"...least i wouldn't feel deceived (back to low #1)


Anyways..to the revelation this weekend..
So..as i was on the phone on Sat..talking to Rico and later to Bren...it hit me. Here I was...ranting..."i couldn't believe this"..."who does he think he is"..."i told them about it last year"..."whats going on"...
Whats going on.....
Whats going on.....
I thought to myself...what the heck am i doing? (ok..i used fuck..but i need to cut down on the swearing)

Then it hit me....this stuff is so trival..its Bullshit. Why?..why? am i even wasting energy on this. I waste my energy..thinking this...thinking that...what does it accomplish in the end. Its just plain stupid. My motto now...fuck it...just cut the bullshit. And it was at that point..that i just started laughing to myself. It was soo simple...yet took me so long to get there.

So..in regards to the lows...
a. If you think your hiding something from me...go ahead. If it makes you feel any better...then good for u. Just be straight with me...and i'll always be straight with u.

b. I'm still here when your ready brother...i'm just not gonna sit and hurt myself over it anymore more. I've made my peace...

c. Recognize everyone has their "group"..and i may or may not be a part of it. I'm always open to invitation...as you all are with me. I don't blame anyone for not being included...i'm just not gonna dance around the issues anymore.

So..there it is...
I finished my book from Mantha...Tuesdays with Morrie. Loved it...
It also influenced me on some of this perspective. Life is short....and i'd rather spend it enjoying it..rather than worrying about it.

Don't get me wrong..this weekend was a lot of fun...just glad to be where i am mentally.

Happy bday Joe and Traci
Congratulations Joe, Bojo, Becca, Jack and other APO peeps I know graduating
RIP Ronald Reagan

And..oh yeah....
Congrats Pistons... Wish i could have been watching the game with everyone..but probably would have gotten beer poured on me. (which..when u think about it..isn't soo bad). jk.