*muted*

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to ryhme

Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find

You and I collide

Howie Day - Collide

Ironic how this provided the perfect theme music to reading her blog. I love the way music at times can so easily express your feelings, when words fail to do the task.

I took the day off work yesterday and took stock of my life. I visited my grandmother, who i haven't seen in over a few years now. Surprisingly i knew exactly how to get there...even past the triumphant palm trees that mark her street at Rose Hills. As i kneeled there looking at her headstone... i just calmed myself...and took it all in. Death....life.... thousands of markers surrounding me...last reminders of people's lives. My grandmother was an extraordinary woman. Raising her family, transplanting to the US, caring for me as a child. She smelled of coffee and rice (i swear i think that was her favorite)...and always with a "toospic" in her mouth. Everytime the ice cream man drove down the street...i would rush to her for a dollar to get candy or a glider...and she always gave me one. Every afternoon from school, we would always have merienda...always something tasty to eat. She taught me tagalog..without any word of english. She taught me to manong..and respect my elders. She taught me the importance of family...all of us in that house...all happily together.

I then walked to my uncle Al. I remembered how he would always visit us at Monterey Park. His "miho/miha" whenever he would see us. I remember how he looked after me after my first communion and how we all had brunch together. I remember many times that he asked me to look out for his kids. I promised i would...and want to keep that promise.

Then i went to visit my auntie Phine. I never really knew my aunt and uncle....but i see them..in there son john. He lives with my aunt across the street. "Beloved wife an mother...who's joy in life was making others happy." - adorns her headstone. I don't doubt it. I'm very proud of John. My aunt and I joined him at Holy Thursday mass yesterday..which is prob the first time i've done that in quite a number of years. He and his girlfriend will be going throught confirmation on Holy Saturday, completing his christian training.

After mass i tried my first hand at cooking something creative. Chicken and mushroom over spaghetti. My aunt and John both said it was tasty..but i think they are biased. We sat and watched Garden State.

I'm glad i was able to take the time away to just collect my thoughts and simply breathe. There are many things on my mind right now...things that people need to figure out....family away in the Philippines...issues with AX...tasks with PMX....and top that all off with work. But when you look at those headstones...you have to think....is it all really worth it. I walked past soldiers of WWII and korea....mothers.....fathers.....sons...daughters. Each made a contribution in their life..and to the world around them. We may not all see it...but it was important in their experience. Guess like they said in Garden State....its just life...and its all that we have. Appreciate it while you have it...and effect your own level of change. In anyway...just sit and admire the beauty that is around you.

-excelsior

i heart you

girl: hmm.. let's see...
girl: young man in his late 20s with a house and a stable job.
girl: educated.. bilingual...
girl: independent...
girl: tall...
girl: so what's the problem?
ray: (white and handsome)
ray: ur missing out on the best part hunny
ray: =p

yeah...so i don't know what the problem is.

Simple equal Simpleton?

Maybe its rap music or too much TV =p....but i've come to really question my own level of intelligence. I guess i've been taking it too easy lately. One of the factors for this questioning occured when i was home one weekend. I told my father that the vet indicated that cube needed to get spayed...in which my sister quickly corrected me saying...."you mean neutered...not spayed". Part of me thought...what is the difference...both terms identify the same thing...where for cats is spaying and dogs its neutering. The end result is to make them biologically incapable of reproducing. My word choice was not a big deal to me, for i knew that my father as well as my sister knew exactly what i meant. Of course, it would be a big difference for cube =p.

Thing is...i've really let myself go. I guess i could ask...when have i even tried?

Throughout my life...things have been "given/handed" to me. My parents provided for our family and did whatever they could for us children. Education was something my parents valued and they felt they sent us to the best schools (crazy how schools are lately). I took AP courses...and also had 2 years of "office Aid". My most challenging class....humm....maybe History. Least i liked the subject and the teacher pushed me. Course that was the only AP test i got a 4 on.

Even when i applied to High school and eventually college...i didn't even worry if i was going ot make it or not. I tried for 4 UCs..and got into the 3 i expected...not UCLA but wasn't expecting that anyways (come on..UCLA as a bio major at the time-almost impossible). I've lived in a little bubble...keeping myself afloat...and staying on top without much effort. I'm watching March Madness lately just to see a good basketball game...but i have no clue where these schools are or what their challenges are. I hardly read in college and was able to pull multipage papers last minute, but it wasn't crap work...i just work well under pressure. I can pull out concepts..without focusing on details. I can still explain Glycolosis to you...but i don't know the names of each enzyme.

Personally..i dont believe there is anything i can't accomplish. I was faced with a significant charge to mow/clean the overgrown lawn in the backyard...but instead worked for 4 hours clearing out the area. I somehow figured out and saved enough to buy myself a home at age 28. I have a good job..supportive family...and friends all around. It is a good life...and i'm happy in it...but could there be more.

i find i am capable of inspiring people. Its not that they want to be like me...but more so that when i talk to them..they want to be better people themselves. Thing now is...how can I inspire myself. What do i have to do to challenge myself?

I have become stagnate. I've accepted myself and kept to this idea of life. Ambitions, desires, wants are at a lull. I'm "happy" with what i have. It leads to a life of contentment...or does it really? If i was content...why would i be writing about changing things...or wanting something different...or more.

I've become too tied down to the material things around me. I've forgotten the people that love me and are around me. I have cousins, neices, nephews that i don't even know of...and at times even the ones that are minutes away from me. I can tell you what happens in a I Love Lucy episode, but not know who the Secretary of defense is. I can give you an opinion on most things..but i don't feel as if i am a whole person. My life has become the ugly cycle of work, home, sleep.

The final days of Febuary had a number of life changing events for me. It inspired me to really look at myself and change things that i didn't like. That desire to change hasn't stopped...but has now expanded. I've listed my Goals on the side...i think i need to add somemore. I want to work towards something. Even if i can't figure out what yet...i want that challenge. I want to better myself. I've gone too long being simple...that i have become a simpleton.

Edit - I have to start focusing on even my language. I'll try to stay away from AOL shorthand.

Pub Crawl in Old Town Pasadena this St. Patty's day (Thur).
contact me if your interested.



yeah..i'll blog again soon...but had to get that announcement out =p

ok...so the 7am wake up call isn't going as planned. More like 9am actually. I blame that on the electric blanket...humm....warrm.

anyways things have been going well. I feel very accomplished as i have replaced my cardboard box filing system (just throw it in the box technique) with a new file cabinet (throw them in folders now) after 3 nites of sorting. Taxes are done and mailed away...and even decided on a bedroom set thanks to ikea (see wishlist on left column). Been stretching out on the exercise ball a bit...but need to hit that gym. Also need to determine how much sleep i actually need per nite.

Getting more comfortable with my role at PMX. Meeting some cool people and starting to feel more comfortable as Division head. Actually met this one guy who is willing to teach me how to play guitar. =) Just glad things are getting more organized and i'm looking forward to just have fun that weekend.

Fixing up the blog with some of my frequent sites (shopping, community, etc). Most of my wish list is just for me to keep track of what i want to do with my room. Prob end up buying it myself anyways. Kinda cool all the things u can find online.

I'd rather be outside...should get out and enjoy that more. Excited and anxious since Karen is coming back this month. Our relationship has definately been a rollercoaster so far... through it all...i know i love her....and i am thankful for what she has done in my life.....and we'll have to see where we go from here.

The end of Feburary came with a lot of changes..and a lot to think about. I took a hard look at myself and the people around me. It wasn't all pretty thats for sure...and nothing is ever easy. Anyways...i just plan on taking things day by day and hope for the best.

On a good note, my aunt has come back from the Philippines. We had a nice improptu get together over chicken and shrimp cocktail. I've missed her for sometime now...and its good to have her back. All my cousins came over to welcome her back. Also, my other aunt and cousins are heading to the Philippines to visit family and attend my cousin Zandy's wedding. Even my friend Mark is going back for 2 weeks. Everyone seems to be going back and forth. One of these days i'll get back there as well.

I need to get out too. Gonna go ice skating today...that should be fun. A jrock concert set for Sat nite at the ROXY. Also heading home to see the family and cube. Too bad cube's going for shots...he's not gonna want to see me after that one.

Reclaiming my life

I used to joke about how busy i am at work...and really how busy could i be (sarcastic). Sitting in a climate controlled building, in my cube...chatting on AIM most of the day. (Steve would kill me right now).

But lately...*shakes head*...Damn. Long hours...communicating with people on the other side of the world (Asia-Pacific)...late nites.... I really haven't been able to do much for myself. I've been wanting to do this...or that...or this...and the list goes on...but nothing being done.

Its not just work either...getting myself more involved in PMX stuff....and pmx related stuff....and house stuff.....but seriously..is there only 24 hours in a day???

Anyways...its gotta stop. Since i can't reclaim my nites due to work and outside activities...i'll have to take control of my days. I mean come on..u can only sleep so much right?

Personal affirmations/goals:

1. I will wake up early (defined at at least 7am).
2. I will restart my exercise program (well..start should be a better word)
3. I will have my house in a presentable state by my birthday/anniversary of house purchase (May 2005)
4. I will focus more at work and get things in order there.
5. I will find a way to afford my house.
6. I will set up my personal website (thanks to help from clint)
7. I will take my dermatology medication
8. I will find time to have my coco pebbles in the morning.
9. I will have a japanese bathhouse style bathroom.
10. I will have time to just sit...and stare...and just breathe.

Along those lines i'll be attending a Filipino American Network meeting/socal tonite. I remember in college i was heavily into my asian heritage and background...especially being filipino. I think this will be a nice return to reclaiming myself.

Mabuhay*

*yeah..thought it was mainly used for hello as well. But actually like "aloha" can mean many things. Not as much as dude though.

Happy birthday Karen.

Happy Valentines Day Karen.

Trying to zone out...

Thought things were ok....well...they have sorta settled. just feeling in quite a meloncoly mood today. Haven't done much at work yet...just feeling trapped being here. Now i have my music turned up really loud...trying to blank out the world. I really think i need to get my mp3 player and disappear for a little bit.

Trying to look forward to the weekend..but realizing i have much more to do than i want to. I really need to kill some of my open issues. Hope that will make me feel better.

Sad thing...my disneyland annual pass will expire on the 15th. I made such a big deal about getting one...but didn't get to use it as much as i wanted to... (well..just didnt' get to go out with my family there as much as i wanted to). It was nice when all of us would go out there...but now just seems that everyone is so busy.

i need a vacation. I need to leave the country for a little bit. ....right now not even sure where i want to go..just away.

Shaken...and stirred.

Today's convo.

karen: what's wrong honey?
ray: i don't know...maybe i just need to get away
karen: ray, how are you feeling?
ray: quandry
ray: oh..excuse me...quandary
ray: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=quandary
ray: funny how the sound of the word alone its a good indication of how one feels
ray: when they are in a quandary..
ray: get the sensation your stuck in a large maze
ray: with nothing but walls around
ray: you know there is a way out..
ray: but just just starting at the walls
ray: starts driving you insane
ray: mine are gunmetal grey
ray: and they are prob 50 ft high
ray: its kinda unfortunate that i can't even have a normal mental break-down
ray: instead i just tend to ramble..and go all over
ray: and i'm still too fucking responsible to leave now
ray: but have to clean up problems here and there

--yup...that was my day. I'm still alive...so guess it turned out ok. I'm heading home.

Ahh..yes...this week is almost over.

I'll probably write about this more later..when i feel somewhat rested...but i'm definately glad that this week is almost over. I actually thought it would be fairly uneventful being up here, helping out here and there, and hopefully visiting friends. Unfortunately i actually found myself working longer hours here than even down south and missing out on visiting my bro. I'm glad Justin and Feras were able to stop by and visit, namely cuz i could bearly leave the mountain view/Palo Alto area.
The people in the office were mostly nice. The hotel sucked (can't believe i thought free interent was my deciding factor..when every fricken hotel in Silicon Valley has free internet). Well...almost done. Time to get to home..in my own bed...and catch up on my life.
My one joy...the green tea and chocolate mochi ice cream i bought. Yum..

*sigh*

its been a long few days. Last nite i at least got some rest...but this trip has been fairly busy. I just came back from visiting the other office in Norcal. Not sure why, but just feeling drained.

I thought it would be good, hitting up norcal again and visiting with friends. Still looking to meet up with some of them and possibly will. For the most part though..its just work in a different location. San Jose is nice...the weather is good right now. I feel a little out of place since i don't have my "stuff" with me...the problems of being traveling IT and not having all your tools.

Anyways..i just needed a lil mental break...to write down my thoughts. Hopefully i'll get to finish off most of this stuff before i leave friday.

am i going..am i not.....well..i am.

Ended off the week really good. The project i had finished. (we'll have to see on Monday to make sure its all good). Thankful for my friends for sticking around with me while i was there.
I woke up the next morning heading to Long Beach to meet with Kevin and checking out the venue. Was pretty productive and nice to see how the surrounding area has been revitalized. Rather weird walking around the city. I actually wanted to visit the old mall..where much of my childhood was spent.

Sunday I'll be heading to Asian American Expo. Should be interesting as well.

But as far as the going or not going...well...i'll be in Norcal next week. There were question on if i was actually gonna head up there or not, but yeah I'm gonna help out at the San Jose branch of the company. Already looking to catch up with biggwould. I'll figure out what i have to do first...but it will be nice to see norcal again.

guess all the good things had to catch up to me.

Its now about 1.40am Sat morning. I had a project to do at work today..then things became crazy. My boss told me to fly to Norcal next week to help out at an office. Course..i find out today, so i have to rush and get everything together. In addition to that, i had an overnite job (hence why i'm still here) scheduled to upgrade our server. Oddly enough i'm not very tired/sleepy. I find that i can tend to work well..even after a long day...if the pressure is on. (guess that explains AX).

Well..fortunately..i think this project will be done soon. Therefore i can head home and work on other things. geez. More work to do there too.

honestly..i do love my job. Its got its ups and downs...but for the most part..its good.

nite all

ray
i heart karen.

The Jerry Maguire moment.

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. After an accomplished day of 3 hours of grocery shopping (i know i take forever) and a couple other stops, I woke up feeling great. Got dressed...looking pretty good...then...it happened. I realized in all this goodness..i was missing something...
i was missing Karen.

Things are going well. Relationship is well. Taking care of things at work and at home. Althought i have a busy weekend planned, hoping to pull some time to really work on things. Hoping to get the 3rd room established soon.

hello all...

things are going well here. I'm feeling very accomplished at work now that i've taken care of a number of tasks...and even at home things are getting done. I struggled with a computer problem for days on end..only to realize the solution was right in front of me. At times you just need to take a step back.

Things between Karen and I are going well. I just love her soo much. Every relationship has its trials...its the strength of it that will hopefully see us thru it all. I even got to help her classmates with their computer problems. Yeah! brownie points for me.

Kicking PMX stuff into gear as well. Got a busy weekend of visiting...and looking to start the ball rolling on some things. Lots to do..lots to do...guess keeping busy helps keep me happy.

Football Sunday after a trip to Oregon.

Today I was able to actually sit back and just spend personal time. It started after a fun evening in SD celebrating Donny's not so leaving us for Oregon...which was actually a surprise birthday party for Jojo and Dao. It was great seeing everyone again. Party started at Canes by the beach..and ended at Moondoggies and PB Bar and grill. The dance floor at PB still stinks (literally..like a locker room)...but the music was cool and i had fun dancing. Had good converstion with Clara about relationships and careers. I even found Leah (Rho rho founder) on the dance floor of PB Bar and Grill. Well..eventually left for home and a reminder to drive safely from CHP..but finally got home to MPK.

I went home cuz i wanted to clean some stuff around the house. Woke up and walked to Shakas to get the Sunday paper. Heated up some lunch and talked to Karen while watching the Falcons beat the Ravens. After that actually got outside like i wanted to and pulled up a trashcan full of weeds and growth. I really need to decide how i want the landscaping to work, so probably going to talk to the gardener. I've never liked doing lawn work, but it did feel different having to do your own lawn. Actually felt good getting dirty and pulling out those suckers. Now gotta visit Home depot and nuke my lawn of weeds and ants.

Summer like weather is here. Its sunny and nice. Time to take care of things again (least those things i do have control of).

BTW. The patriots just beat the Steelers. Its gonna be a good Super Bowl Game. I know my office is happy to see the Pats at the Big game again.